What I Pray For

I never really prayed until my son was in crisis. Then I prayed constantly for two years for him to find a way to healing and peace.

My prayers were for nought. When N took his life, they were wiped out in an instant, just as all my hopes and dreams for him were suddenly erased. I was so focused on N as the object of my prayers that I was at a loss to know what to pray for when he was gone.

The trust in any kind of divine connection has been shattered and left me spiritually adrift. I am having trouble with gratitude. I am waiting, hoping to see how this may change with time.

Meanwhile, what I pray for in synagogue is the wisdom and strength for my husband and me to be able to voice our grief, cherish our child's memory, support others and ourselves, and restore our lives.

And in yoga, I chant: "May the longtime sun shine upon you, all love surround you, and the pure light within you guide your way on." Only now, instead of directing my wish at N, I direct it at N's friends and family, including myself.