How does it feel after losing a loved one to suicide? How to bear the grief, guilt and unanswered questions as we rebuild our lives? I invite you to walk the mourner’s path with me and see where our paths may cross. Please comment on posts or email email@example.com. And check out my book, "I'll Write Your Name on Every Beach: A Mother's Quest for Comfort, Courage and Clarity After Suicide Loss" (2017). IF IN CRISIS, PLEASE CALL THE NAT'L SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE AT 800-273-8255.
It always pains me to write those dates for my son. Each
time that I do, I engrave the fact of his death more indelibly.
This year after a cold winter, our yard is missing the usual outburst of
star jasmine blossoms that mark the season with their bittersweet reminders.
Instead, there’s a profusion of camellias to float in bowls and the
promise of peach, nectarine, and apple trees already in flower. When Noah and his
brother Ben were kids, we used to make huge floating platters of camellias. Noah would get absorbed in, almost transfixed by things like that. He resonated with beauty and the ephemeral.
What do we pray for after the person we’ve been
praying for is gone?
I wish I’d known this blessing practice, inspired by Buddhist lovingkindness metta practice, when Noah was
struggling; maybe I could have sung it to him to soothe his soul:
you be safe
you be free
you have space to simply be
Ken y'hi ratzon, Ken y'hi ratzon (May it
be so, may it be so)
may you find your way back home
Would that Noah could have found his way home to his
healthy, life-loving self and to all of us who loved him.
Today on Noah's death anniversary, I send out this blessing to my fellow loss survivors and to anyone else in need.