We get such mixed messages. People—including some doctors
and therapists—say that “you did all you could” or that “if they’re determined
to kill themselves, you can’t stop them.” The overall suicide rate has held
fairly steady over time. Yet the suicide prevention field implies, by its very
name, that suicide can be prevented. Some groups even claim that suicide is
“100% preventable.” This misleading message has spread in recent years to
government, military, nonprofit, and educational web sites and programs, as
well as news media. At a survivors support group I visited, a member was upset
after seeing a “100% preventable” billboard while driving to the group, and
others chimed in with similar disturbing experiences.
Ronnie Walker, founder of the excellent web site,
Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors, documents the spread of “100%” claims
and their harmful effect on survivors. The claims reinforce our sense
that we did not do enough, even if our loved ones gave no signs of suicidal
despair or intentions, or even if we as family members strove mightily for months or years
to help them. Walker suggests we look on 100% preventability as a “possibility”
for the future but recognize that we have a long way to go to meet that goal.
I’m no expert. From what I’ve learned and experienced,
it seems that many suicides are preventable--up to a point. Some people in
despair get beyond help when they reach the point of no longer being able to
think clearly, to feel, or to care about their connection to others. At that
point, they get tunnel vision or voices in their head that lead to thoughts
only of suicide, putting them in a kind of “suicide trance." That seemed to
happen with Noah as he moved through the last weeks of his life in a daze,
barely able to converse or connect, much less call a psychiatrist. The
challenge, it seems to me, is early detection and intervention: recognizing
when distressed people may be moving toward that point, convincing them to get
help, and continuing to show them our love, concern, and vigilance.
Many survivors of suicide loss have to live with the
tension between believing that “this did not have to be” and having felt
powerless to help our loved one. We may get involved in suicide awareness and prevention
in the hope of saving even one life, yet at the same time wonder if such
efforts would have had any impact on our lost one. I doubt that Noah would have ever attended a
suicide prevention workshop at his college or called a crisis line—though maybe
one of his friends would have, and maybe that would have made a difference.
More experienced survivors in my support group help
me understand that suicide may not be 100% preventable, but we can and must do
more as a society. We must de-stigmatize mental illness and suicide and make it
acceptable for everyone, across gender, age, race, culture, religion, and sexual
orientation, to ask for help. We must put resources and commitment into suicide
prevention research and action, as well as accessible, compassionate mental health
services, with the hope that over time, those efforts will help more people cope,
heal, and avert suicide. We need innovative outreach geared to the specific needs,
tastes, and lifestyles of populations at risk, like the “it gets better”
campaign for LGBTQ youth. We need to train all adolescents and college students
in mental wellness, coping skills, and depression/suicide awareness and to spread such training
to workplaces, nonprofits, and health organizations.
As an ancient Jewish sage wrote : “It is not your responsibility to
finish the work [of perfecting the world], but you are not free to desist from
it either” (Pirkei Avot/Ethics of the Fathers
2:16). I can agree with that 100%.
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