To my fellow survivors: How are you feeling on the eve
of this holiday season?
Are you looking forward to holiday activities as a
distraction from grief and a chance to have others take care of you? Do you
feel grateful for what you have? Are you noticing that over time since the
suicide, you’ve become more open to the idea of celebrating? If so, may you
enjoy these next few weeks. You may want to try something like the Grateful Remembrance Jar or Bowl if you are at gatherings with people who knew the person you lost.Or, on the other hand, maybe you are anxious and confused as the holidays approach. Do you worry that those around you expect you to participate in festivities as if you were the same person as before the suicide?
Jessica at the Our Side of Suicide blog stresses
the importance of asking for what you need on the holidays, whatever that may
be. I echo most of her suggestions. But I don’t think
survivors of traumatic loss should feel obliged to have a positive attitude at
the holidays, especially in the early stages of grief. Trying to fit in with a
festive spirit can make us feel even more alone and bereft, a reminder of how we’re
living in a parallel universe.
The first few years after my son’s suicide, I felt
banished from the sense of gratitude I’d been cultivating. I couldn’t sing
or pray or meditate on anything related to gratitude without ending up in tears.
I had to fight and claw my way back to the slightest grip on gratitude by sheer
determination—but in my own time and on my own terms, not to please others or
shield them from my pain. This became easier and less fraught with each passing
holiday.
A few years ago, I felt conflicted when the advisory
board for Survivors After Suicide came up with the theme “Finding Gratitude
Amidst Grief” for our holiday potluck for survivors. How could we help each
other with this daunting task? I created a short guided meditation that I led
at the event that seemed to soften the tension in the room, opening a way to
feel more calm and centered, if not actually grateful. It’s one of the healing mind-body exercises included in my book to help my fellow survivors. I’m reprinting the meditation below in hopes that it will allow
you to hold both grief and a bit of gratitude in your heart at the same time.
Wishing you peace this Thanksgiving and beyond. Take
good care.Guided Meditation by Susan Auerbach*
(Note: You might want to audiorecord this and
play it back so you can close your eyes and relax into the meditation.)
Close
your eyes and sit quietly…. Feel your
feet on the floor and your body in the chair with your hands resting in your
lap…. Slow down your breath and breathe in gently for a count of 3 … then out for a count of 3… Breathing in this
moment … breathing out any distractions…
Maybe breathing in a blessing in your life … breathing out gratitude for
even one small blessing … Breathing in ... and out … In … and out… [long pause]
Now take a moment to bring to mind the love you shared with the person or
persons you lost … [long pause] As you think of this, place your right hand
over your heart, breathing in that love … and breathing out … breathing in to
let that love fill you … and let it out … [long pause]. Now think about someone
or something that has supported you on your grief journey … With that thought,
bring your left hand on top of your right hand that is still resting on your
heart… Breathing in the possibility of gratitude, now or in the future … and
breathing out … Breathing in the wish to
open the heart … and breathing out … [long
pause] Relax as you continue to focus on your breath and the warmth of your
heart … When you are ready, open your eyes. *From "I'll Write Your Name on Every Beach: A Mother's Quest for Comfort, Courage & Clarity After Suicide Loss" by Susan Auerbach, Jessica Kingsley Publishers, © 2017.
