The friend of a dear friend lost her adult son to suicide last week. This letter
goes out to her and to the thousands of others who, every week, are newly
bereaved with suicide loss.
Dear Friend:
I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know much about
you, your loved one, or your situation. But I know you are likely in shock,
traumatized, horrified, hurt beyond measure. I don’t know how you have grieved
in the past or how you will grieve now. But as a fellow survivor of suicide
loss, I hope you will find something here that resonates with you and reminds
you that you are not alone in this terrible place.
How
can this be happening? Whatever your loved one’s history and
state of mind, however much you knew or did not know about it--you are in shock.
You may feel numb or fall apart. You may feel physically assaulted, as if a
limb or your heart have been ripped from your body, as if you are being crushed
by a huge stone. You may not be able to focus or reason, to eat or sleep or
breathe properly.
I
just want to crawl in a hole. Be gentle with yourself
and with the mourners close to you. Wrap yourself in a cocoon where you feel
safe in these early days or weeks; hibernate if you wish. With your own deep
need for comfort, it may be tough to comfort family members; leave that to
others. If you have a spouse or partner , it can be lonely and scary as each of you grope your way through grief. Give each other space, be there when you
can, and try to stay in touch, with faith that you will be more present for one
another in time.
I
don’t even know what I need right now. Let people know what
happened so they can take care of you. Ask for help; see lists from other
survivors, like my "10 Ways to Help a Family After a Suicide" or one for bereaved parents . Accept the support
that is offered, on your terms; it’s OK to say “no” or “not now.” You are
released from all social obligations for the moment and hopefully, from work or
other obligations. Nothing is normal, and it won’t be for a long time.
I
have no energy. The body takes a hit . Don’t be
surprised if your health goes haywire. This is where shock takes root. Go slow.
Walk around the block. Take naps, or just lie down quietly. Meditate for five minutes, maybe with a guided meditation for stress or healing. Remember to
breathe. Find a doctor who understands that you are suffering from shock and grief.
I
can’t stop crying. Don’t fear tears , though they can
be overwhelming. Let them flow through you, again and again, washing you clean
like a rain, till the next storm. It can help to know there is a friend you can
call, a safe place you can visualize, a piece of music you can play, or a faith community you can visit to
steady yourself. Find an expressive release—write, draw, dance, pray out your grief.
Shout and pound out your anger, too; it’s natural to feel abandoned and
betrayed. Let it out.
Why?
How? What if . . .? Questions rush in. You’re searching for clues, even if you know that you’ll never know anything definitive. We need
to search as long as we feel the need—maybe forever. Our task as mourners is to build a "coherent narrative" of the suicide that is "compassionate and bearable," according to psychologist John Jordan.
I
should have, could have, would have. . . . Self-blame may
haunt you. Especially if you lost a child, you may feel that you failed in your
most fundamental duty as a parent . None of us are mind readers; all of us
are flawed; mental illness, when present, can be a beast. Breathe in
compassion for yourself—and for your lost one. We can’t forgive ourselves until
we forgive the person we lost to suicide, and vice versa. That can be the longest, hardest road. If you have a spiritual practice, try to reclaim it bit by bit, even if you're angry at God or the universe.
What
now?
Therapy can help, preferably with a professional
trained in grief and suicide loss. Consider mind-body treatments like EMDR to process your intense feelings and guide you through post-traumatic shock
into post-traumatic growth. Do yoga or tai chi to keep the flow of energy moving. As my fellow survivor blogger Dianna Bonny says, the "work of healing" comes from "being present to your pain" and "honoring yourself through a regular practice of self-care and compassion."
You are not alone. There is a community of suicide loss survivors that will
reach out to you and share their journey toward healing. When
you're ready, check out support groups for survivors in your area here .
See the resources for survivors and information on suicide at American Assn. of Suicidology , Speaking of Suicide , and Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors . At the latter site, you can sign up for a
free, well-moderated community forum where you can pour out your heart and find
a response, 24/7, including a space for the newly bereaved. Whenever survivors meet
and share stories through web sites, support groups, and other gatherings, it
is indeed an alliance of hope that we create together.
I invite you to browse this blog, especially the
posts from the first couple years under Archives, or by using key words in the search bar in the top left corner, for my chronicle of suicide loss. I
welcome your comments or personal e-mails (see About this Blog).
Right now, you are as hurt and broken as a person
can be. Know that you will not always feel this way. Keep moving through your grief. Reach
out for love and support; there's a lot of it out there.
Wishing you comfort and courage,
Wishing you comfort and courage,
Susan (aka Mourning Mom)
