With over half a million deaths from COVID-19 in the U.S. and 2.5 million worldwide, we are living in a world of grief. This tragic loss is finally being acknowledged with national memorials and moments of silence. “Remember those we lost and those we left behind,” President Biden said this past week.
Grief radiates out from its source to encompass many.
Each COVID loss could affect dozens of people in a family, friend circle,
workplace, and community, just as each suicide loss has been estimated to bring
major life disruption to about 18 people. With 47,511 American suicides in
2019, that means some 855,000 more people dealing with grief after suicide. The
data are not yet in for 2020 but anecdotal evidence suggests that suicide
rates may have risen due, in part, to stresses of the pandemic.
Like suicide loss, COVID loss is a type of traumatic
loss that may involve PTSD-type symptoms. As with suicide, deaths from COVID
often happen suddenly with no time to say good bye. Likewise, survivors may feel
guilt for not having been able to prevent the death or for not realizing the
gravity of the person’s condition. They may even feel shame in some
communities, believing that COVID or suicide taint the family name (for example, among women in Japan). Those with COVID loss may have the additional burden
of having been separated from their hospitalized loved ones and prevented from
gathering for in-person funerals and memorials.
With recognition that the bereaved are secondary victims of COVID, organizations are forming to bring COVID loss
survivors together for mutual support.
This reminds me of the growth of suicide loss survivors support groups since
the 1980s. We cry and rage and cheer each other’s steps forward in small groups;
we grieve and hope together at larger gatherings of the suicide loss and
suicide prevention communities. We share one another’s sorrow and healing on a
path most folks don’t understand.
My entire adult life, I’ve felt compelled to reach out
to the grieving. Maybe it’s because I spent a lot of time mourning my parents,
who died when I was 19 and 26 (my father by suicide), and knew what a scary, draining, isolating experience it can be. Or maybe it’s
because I got comfortable talking honestly about death and dying in a cancer patients’
family support group at a formative age. In my twenties and thirties, my peers knew
little of death, even less of suicide loss. So on the rare occasions when death
touched their lives, I tried to talk with them and signal that I understood
some of what they were going through and was ready to listen. I started a
lifelong habit of writing notes on sympathy cards beyond the usual condolences.
I envisioned myself standing at the gate of a mourning grove that others
hesitated to enter and welcoming them inside. It felt like my natural habitat.
After my son’s suicide in 2013, I stood at a most
fearsome gate. I now realize that I was ushered into a very special mourning
grove by fellow suicide loss survivors who surrounded me with love and
understanding. I met them through suicide loss support groups and
suicide-related gatherings, conferences, and fundraisers—a whole community of
people who, for once in my life, shared the mourning grove with me and knew the
terrain. That support was life-saving for my husband and me and continues to be
restorative, though I visit the grove less often today.
What other survivors did in those groups was to
accompany me in my grief. They walked beside me, sometimes with wisdom and help,
sometimes with silence and a hug, without pressure or judgement. I try to do
the same with loss survivors who I hear about through someone’s referral or meet
in person or through this blog, my book, or speaking engagements. I especially want to be there for my fellow mourning
moms.
If you are a suicide loss survivor who has never had
the gift of sharing time and sorrow with fellow survivors, I urge you to check
out support groups and organizations in your local area, many of which now operate
online (like general grief support groups). You can find listings of those
groups here or
here for the U.S. or here for other countries. Even if you avoided support groups
in the past, consider that you may be at a different stage now, that groups morph
over time as membership changes, and that an online group may actually feel more comfortable.
And if you know any COVID loss survivors, please urge them to check out groups that are forming for people like them, not only on social media platforms like Facebook (COVID-19 Loss Support for Family and Friends) but through mental health organizations, grief organizations, and hospice groups. You can find some resources here or at local organizations (for ex., in NYC and L.A. areas) here and here. I will post more as I learn about them.
For those who are mourning both suicide loss and COVID loss at this time, what a heavy burden that must be. Please be gentle with yourself and practice some form of self-care every day.
One more resource I just learned about that may be helpful to anyone who is grieving: the Artists' Grief Deck. Check it out for stunning original images by international artists along with helpful messages and practices for the grieving.
No one need suffer alone in the
mourning grove.
